f you thought Jimmy Kimmel’s suspension was rock bottom, think again. The late-night host has now reportedly launched a GoFundMe page after losing another $20 million in sponsorships over his controversial comments about the late Charlie Kirk.
That’s right: the man who once wept on national television about healthcare is now crying into his laptop, typing a campaign description that reads like a mix between a hostage note and a Yelp review.
It’s been weeks since Charlie Kirk’s assassination, but the ripples keep spreading through American media. Kimmel, already suspended briefly by ABC for mocking Kirk’s martyrdom, is hemorrhaging sponsors faster than a reality TV star loses followers.
First, Starbucks pulled out. Then Ford Motor Company. Now it’s a full-on exodus: Coca-Cola, Nike, Arby’s (yes, even Arby’s), and an eyebrow-raising number of mattress companies have severed ties with the comedian. Insiders say the latest losses amount to a whopping $20 million, bringing his total “Charlie Kirk backlash bill” to nearly $50 million.
One mattress CEO put it bluntly: “We can’t have someone who insults Charlie Kirk advertising our memory foam. It’s bad optics. And frankly, Kirk deserves a good night’s rest — even in Heaven.”
So, what does a late-night millionaire do when sponsors flee? Apparently, the same thing your neighbor does when his cat needs surgery: set up a GoFundMe.
The campaign, titled “Save Jimmy Kimmel’s Lifestyle Fund,” launched late Wednesday night.
“I never thought I’d be here, folks. But after losing $20 million in sponsorships over a joke about Charlie Kirk, I’m struggling. Beverly Hills property taxes don’t pay themselves. Neither does my Peloton instructor. I’ve given you laughs for years. Now, I need your help. Every dollar counts — even if it’s just enough to cover my imported Italian espresso pods.”
Within hours, the page had raised $38,000 — mostly from people who donated just to leave sarcastic comments.
One donor wrote: “Here’s $5. Buy yourself a sense of humor.”
Another quipped: “I’d give more, but I already donated to Charlie Kirk’s memorial waffle fry fund.”
Not all contributions were snarky. A handful of Hollywood allies showed support.
Matt Damon donated $10,000 with a note reading, “Hang in there, buddy. Also, please stop calling me on FaceTime.”
Sarah Silverman chipped in $500 and commented, “Remember when you were funny? Me neither. But here’s some cash anyway.”
Ben Affleck sent $2,000 but specified it had to go toward Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards.
Meanwhile, conservatives trolled the campaign en masse. Fox News host Greg Gutfeld reportedly offered a 50-cent donation with the note: “For your retirement.”
Naturally, Donald Trump weighed in on the situation at one of his rallies.
“Jimmy Kimmel — very bad host. Nobody liked him. Losing millions of dollars, now begging online like a dog. Sad! Charlie Kirk was a hero, a tremendous patriot, and Jimmy’s career is over because he said something mean. Frankly, I always preferred Jay Leno. Much better chin, folks, much better.”
The crowd cheered and began chanting: “GoFundTrump! GoFundTrump!”
On The View, Joy Behar couldn’t resist commenting: “So Kimmel loses millions and starts a GoFundMe? Honey, that’s called Monday in show business.”
Sunny Hostin chimed in: “At least he didn’t insult Beyoncé fans. That would’ve been worse.” Meanwhile, Ana Navarro sighed, “If Charlie Kirk’s ghost can cancel Jimmy Kimmel, what hope do the rest of us have?”
Turning Point USA’s interim board released a statement calling Kimmel’s downfall “proof that Charlie Kirk’s spirit is alive and well.”
The statement read: “Every dollar Kimmel loses is a dollar Charlie gains in Heaven. He’s probably starting a Turning Point USA chapter with the angels as we speak. And unlike Whoopi Goldberg, they’re not suspended indefinitely.”
Right-wing students were also seen celebrating outside Utah Valley University, wearing T-shirts that read: “We Bankrupt Jimmy for Charlie.”
Even GoFundMe itself seemed bewildered by the campaign. In a rare statement, the platform clarified:
“While we typically host fundraisers for medical bills, emergencies, or noble causes, we can’t technically stop Jimmy Kimmel from begging for help to cover his imported dog groomer fees. That said, donors should know the money will not be tax-deductible, nor will it be funny.”
Experts say Kimmel’s financial woes are exaggerated — after all, the man is still worth tens of millions. But in Hollywood, losing sponsorships is like losing Botox: people notice.
“If Kimmel can’t land sponsors, he’s toast,” one media analyst explained. “This is a guy who once did car commercials with Shaq. Now he’s practically selling friendship bracelets on Etsy.”
Rumors are swirling that ABC executives are preparing an ultimatum: either apologize directly at Charlie Kirk’s memorial service, or risk permanent cancellation.
One insider claimed Kimmel is considering showing up in disguise as a mariachi singer. “At this point, nothing’s off the table,” they said.
Jimmy Kimmel’s GoFundMe marks a strange new era in American celebrity culture: a multimillionaire begging online like a broke college student while the ghost of Charlie Kirk looms over every decision in network television.
Whether Kimmel bounces back or fades into late-night obscurity, one thing is clear: Charlie Kirk’s assassination has turned him into a force so powerful that even billion-dollar corporations tremble at a single joke.
As one sarcastic GoFundMe donor wrote: “Rest easy, Charlie. We’ll make sure Jimmy has enough for avocado toast.”
NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.
Leave a Reply