In a shocking turn of events that absolutely did not happen in real life, the Dallas Cowboys have reportedly parted ways with head coach Marty Schottenheimer, following what analysts are describing as “a football catastrophe so severe it may be studied in history books.”
The Cowboys suffered a loss by an estimated 50 billion points to the Arizona Cardinals on Monday Night Football — a score so lopsided broadcasters ran out of screen space and simply replaced the scoreboard with the shrug emoji.
Owner Jerry “Seinfeld” Jones held an emotional press conference in which he expressed deep disappointment.
“When I hired Marty, I expected us to go undefeated and have the Lombardi Trophy delivered by Week 2,” Jones said, polishing a pair of sunglasses made entirely from diamonds. “Instead, we got embarrassed by a team that, frankly, might be junior varsity at best.”
Jones stated the Cowboys will now begin an “exhaustive, highly professional head coaching search,” which reportedly includes:
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Tony Romo (if CBS lets him go)
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A random Madden player with a 97 online win streak
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The loudest guy in Section 314
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And possibly, a hologram of Tom Landry generated by Apple Vision Pro
When asked for comment, several Cowboys players seemed unaware Schottenheimer had been hired in the first place.
“Wait… Marty was our coach?” asked one starter.
“I thought that was our nutritionist.”
League officials, meanwhile, have expressed concern that the loss margin may have physically altered the NFL standings, playoff seeding, and possibly the gravitational pull of the Earth.
The Cardinals organization has declined to comment, but sources say the team is still celebrating, mostly because they “weren’t expecting to win either.”
As for Schottenheimer, he reportedly left the facility calmly, stopping only to take home his headset, his dignity, and an unopened box of Cowboys Super Bowl champion hats from 1996.
The Cowboys have named “We’ll Tell You Tomorrow” as the interim head coach, pending further chaos.
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