In what historians are already calling the boldest act of public art since FDR approved Mount Rushmore, President Donald J. Trump has issued an executive order mandating that every single state capitol building across America must erect a statue of the late Charlie Kirk.
The order, signed with a gold Sharpie during a ceremony in the Rose Garden, immediately ignited cheers from MAGA loyalists and groans from blue-state governors, several of whom were seen Googling “how to file a restraining order against federal statues.”
“Charlie was not just a man,” Trump told reporters, pausing dramatically while gesturing to the heavens. “He was a movement, a genius, a patriot, and some say even better looking than George Washington. And now, just like George, he’s going to be in stone forever. One nation, one hero, one Charlie Kirk.”
The directive specifies that each statue must be at least 12 feet tall, carved from American marble, and placed directly in front of the state capitol building, where it will be impossible for legislators, lobbyists, and protesting college students to ignore.
Within hours, governors from liberal states erupted. California’s Governor Gavin Newsom, sweating profusely during a press conference, called the move “fascism with extra steps.” New York Governor Kathy Hochul went further, tweeting:
“We will NOT allow a statue of Charlie Kirk to sit in front of our Capitol. Unless it comes with a built-in pigeon deterrent and Wi-Fi.”
Meanwhile, in Texas, Governor Greg Abbott unveiled preliminary plans to go bigger than everyone else. “If we’re doing this, Texas will do it right. Our statue will be 50 feet tall, hold a Bible, and spit barbecue smoke on the hour.”
The executive order also sparked a scramble among sculptors, contractors, and opportunistic entrepreneurs hoping to land lucrative government contracts. One company in Tennessee pitched the idea of holographic Kirk statues that lecture schoolchildren about free markets every morning at 8 a.m.
Elon Musk, never missing an opportunity for synergy, announced Tesla would be “experimenting with robo-statues” that could wave, sing the national anthem, and occasionally tweet in all caps about “owning the libs.”
“Imagine walking by your state capitol and Charlie greets you personally,” Musk said. “That’s the America I want to live in.”
Not everyone was thrilled. At universities across the country, students began organizing “Statue Watch” campaigns, vowing to turn every Kirk statue into a meme within hours of installation.
“Day one: sunglasses and a vape pen. Day two: Pride flag cape. Day three: TikTok dance collab,” explained a University of Wisconsin sophomore, already sketching out graffiti templates.
The administration, however, anticipated this. Trump’s order requires every statue be “protected by armed National Guard units, barbed wire, and at least two MAGA moms with folding chairs.”
On the right, reaction was ecstatic. Fox News spent the entire evening rotating between live feeds of state capitols with patriotic music swelling in the background. Tucker Carlson, returning for a special guest slot, declared:
“This is not just art. This is destiny. Finally, children will look up at the marble face of Charlie Kirk and say, ‘Mom, Dad, who is that man?’ And the answer will be: ‘He saved America from pronouns.’”
At Turning Point USA headquarters, staff held an emergency champagne toast. Erika Kirk, Charlie’s widow, promised she would “visit all 50 statues personally, leaving behind a copy of Charlie’s best tweets at each one.”
The global response was predictably chaotic. Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau sighed deeply and muttered something about “statue envy.” French President Emmanuel Macron scoffed: “In France, we prefer baguettes to giant heads.”
Meanwhile, Russia’s Vladimir Putin reportedly grew jealous. “They have Kirk. I have… Lenin,” he said during a Kremlin meeting. “Not fair.”
Urban planners are already warning of chaos. In Vermont, legislators worry the Kirk statue will block the annual farmer’s market. In Oregon, protestors are planning to chain themselves to the statue base indefinitely.
In Washington State, rumors swirled that Seattle would insist on placing the Kirk statue inside a Starbucks to “blend in with local culture.”
And in Massachusetts, Harvard professors are drafting a collective open letter titled “Statue Studies 101: The Problematic Permanence of Marble Charlie.”
Asked if the Kirk statues might overshadow existing monuments like Lincoln or Jefferson, Trump waved off the concern.
“Lincoln was fine. Good guy, tall hat, lots of drama. But Kirk? Kirk was fresh. Kirk was young. Kirk was about the future. And frankly, his head looks amazing in marble, people are saying it. Maybe the best statue head we’ve ever seen.”
While construction begins, Trump hinted this might be “phase one” of a larger project. Sources close to the administration say future initiatives could include:
Kirk’s face replacing Hamilton on the $10 bill. A proposal to rename the Washington Monument the “Kirk Spire.” As the nation braces for months of statue unveilings, one thing is certain: whether you love him or hate him, Charlie Kirk’s stone visage will be staring down Americans for generations to come.
Or at least until college kids figure out how to turn the statues into giant, marble memes.
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