Elon Musk Buys Entire NFL, Renames It the “National Tesla League,” Requires All Players to Charge Batteries 8 Hours Before Games
In a move that has left the sports world stunned, tech mogul Elon Musk has officially purchased the entire National Football League, instantly transforming America’s most popular sport into what he calls “the future of electrified athletic warfare.” The billionaire immediately rebranded the league, announcing during a three-hour livestream that the NFL will now operate under a new name: the National Tesla League (NTL).
“Football was outdated,” Musk said as he stood on a stage illuminated by neon-blue Tesla logos. “It needed innovation. It needed technology. It needed… batteries.”
According to Musk’s newly released NTL rulebook—printed entirely on a flexible OLED screen—every player across all 32 teams will be required to “charge their internal performance batteries for a minimum of eight hours before kickoff.” While he offered no further explanation on what exactly these “internal batteries” are, Musk insisted that players will reach “maximum human efficiency” if properly charged.
Reporters who pressed Musk on whether the batteries were metaphorical, medical devices, or actual hardware plugged into Tesla charging stations received only a smirk and the ambiguous statement: “You’ll see.”
A League Powered by Electricity—and Confusion
Players and coaches around the league are still scrambling to understand Musk’s sweeping reforms. The new owner issued a memo declaring that all teams must install Tesla Superchargers directly into locker rooms by the end of the month. Every player will receive a “Tesla Performance Port,” a sleek silver device meant to attach to their uniforms during warmups.
“We’re not exactly sure where to plug them in,” Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow admitted. “There’s a port on the shoulder pad, another on the thigh pad, one behind the helmet… I’m just hoping one of them isn’t supposed to go where I think it might.”
The league’s equipment staff, meanwhile, has been working around the clock. Kansas City Chiefs equipment manager Allen Wright said his team spent an entire afternoon trying to connect tight end Travis Kelce to a Supercharger before realizing his uniform was on backward.
“It’s chaos, but I guess this is the future,” Wright said.
Teams Rebranded With Tesla Flair
Musk also demanded that all teams adopt new names “more fitting for a technologically advanced football utopia.” The changes will take effect immediately:
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The Dallas Cowboys are now the Dallas CyberRiders
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The Chicago Bears have been rebranded as the Chicago Gigafactory Guardians
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The Las Vegas Raiders will become the Las Vegas Autonomous Explorers
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The Green Bay Packers, according to Musk, “are perfect as they are,” because he likes cheese
Players reacted with a mix of amusement and frustration. “I’m still trying to figure out what a GigaGuardian is,” said Bears linebacker Tremaine Edmunds. “Do we protect factories? Electricity? Elon’s feelings?”
New Rules to Electrify the Game
Musk’s changes don’t stop at branding. The NTL will introduce a series of electrifying—literally—new rules:
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Electric Turf: All stadiums will replace natural or artificial grass with Tesla E-Turf, a lightly charged surface that “encourages faster running.”
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Shock Challenges: Coaches may now issue one “Tesla Shock Challenge” per game, triggering a small electric jolt to re-energize players before a key play.
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Self-Driving Referees: Human referees will be replaced by Tesla bots, though Musk admitted early prototypes “occasionally confuse footballs with small dogs.”
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Silent Halftime Shows: Instead of live performances, fans will watch a 12-minute loop of Musk whispering, “The future is now.”
One anonymous player said he’s already nervous. “I never thought I’d have to worry about static electricity tackling me before a linebacker does.”
Fans React: Shock, Chaos, and New Merchandise
Fan reactions have ranged from outrage to pure fascination. Jersey sales skyrocketed overnight as collectors raced to grab the first wave of “NTL” merchandise. Meanwhile, long-time fans across social media expressed concern that Musk is turning their beloved sport into a “live-action science experiment.”
“I grew up watching the Patriots,” one fan wrote. “Now they’re the New England Solar Patriots? What’s next—Bill Belichick flying a drone on the sideline?”
Some fans, however, are excited about the potential for innovation. Season ticket holder Brian Townsend said he’s thrilled to see where Musk takes the league.
“If my car can run on electricity, why not the players?” he said. “Plus, if anyone can improve officiating, it’s not humans. It’s robots.”
The Future of Football—Power On or Power Off?
Despite the confusion, Musk remains confident the NTL will “revolutionize human competition.”
“Football needed a spark,” he said. “A literal spark. From now on, the gridiron is fully electric.”
As teams scramble to understand the new rules and fans brace for the shockwaves, one thing is certain: the National Tesla League promises a season unlike anything in sports history. Whether that’s a good or bad thing remains to be seen—but at least everyone will be fully charged.
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