In a shocking ultimatum that has rattled the NFL, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid declared on Tuesday that his team would boycott the Super Bowl entirely if the league refuses to remove Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny from the halftime show lineup and replace him with “real American talent,” specifically country star Carrie Underwood.

Reid, flanked by quarterback Patrick Mahomes and a tray of brisket, announced his stance at a hastily called press conference. “I didn’t claw my way through decades of coaching, eating 11,000 cheeseburgers, and surviving three overtime thrillers just to have my team share the biggest night in football with… with reggaeton,” Reid said, dramatically adjusting his mustache. “This is the Super Bowl, not Coachella. If the NFL wants bunny rabbits hopping around, go to the Easter Parade. We want Carrie Underwood.”

The coach, known for his calm demeanor, shocked reporters with his fiery rhetoric. “Bad Bunny may sell records, but Carrie sings Sunday Night Football. She literally says, ‘I’ve been waiting all day for Sunday night!’ That’s practically the national anthem of the NFL. Without her, the game has no soul.”

NFL Scrambles Behind the Scenes

League officials were blindsided by Reid’s ultimatum. Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a statement, admitted the NFL is “taking Coach Reid’s concerns very seriously” and is “exploring halftime options that honor the cultural importance of football and barbecue.”

Sources inside the league office say panic erupted after Reid’s threat, with one executive allegedly shouting, “If we lose the Chiefs, half our Super Bowl commercials collapse — who’s going to sell State Farm if Mahomes isn’t there?” Another insider revealed that the NFL has quietly reached out to Carrie Underwood’s management, offering her “as much money as Taylor Swift makes in 45 minutes” to appear.

Locker Room Support

Inside the Chiefs locker room, players reportedly rallied around their coach’s bold stance. Tight end Travis Kelce told reporters, “Look, I respect all music, but come on — Carrie Underwood singing before kickoff? That’s tradition. It’s American. And honestly, it just feels wrong to win a ring to the sound of reggaeton beats.”

Patrick Mahomes agreed, though cautiously. “I just want to play ball, but… yeah, Carrie Underwood kind of sets the mood. My mom even said she wouldn’t watch if it’s Bad Bunny. And if my mom’s out, I’m out.”

Sources close to kicker Harrison Butker claim he offered to personally fly to Nashville to beg Carrie to sing “Jesus Take the Wheel” at halftime, calling it “the only way God would want the game played.”

Country vs. Reggaeton Culture War

This controversy has reignited America’s favorite pastime: culture wars. On Twitter (or X, depending on who you ask), fans quickly took sides. The hashtag #BanBadBunny began trending alongside #CarrieForSuperBowl, with conservative commentators praising Reid’s stance as “a victory for family values” and “a blow against international halftime infiltration.”

Meanwhile, Bad Bunny fans clapped back, arguing that Reid’s comments reek of outdated thinking. “Bad Bunny represents the global game,” tweeted one fan. “Football isn’t just for Kansas City BBQ dads. It’s for everyone. Even people who can dance.”

Even politicians jumped in. Senator Ted Cruz tweeted, “Andy Reid is a patriot. Bad Bunny is woke. Case closed.” Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded minutes later: “Imagine getting this mad about music when climate change is real.”

Carrie Underwood Responds

Carrie Underwood herself finally weighed in on Instagram, posting a photo of herself holding a football and captioning it, “Waiting all day for Sunday night? Always. Call me, NFL.” Within hours, the post had over 2 million likes, and rumor has it she’s already rehearsing “Before He Cheats” with a marching band just in case.

Insiders say Underwood is intrigued by the opportunity but insists she’ll only agree if she can enter the stadium “riding a bald eagle while fireworks spell out ‘America.’”

Andy Reid’s Final Warning

Reid doubled down at practice Wednesday, telling his team, “This isn’t just about football. This is about principle. This is about the flag. This is about making sure that when we run out onto that field, we’re not followed by lyrics we don’t understand. We want Carrie. End of story.”

The coach also hinted at backup plans if the NFL refuses to cave. “If they keep Bad Bunny, we’ll play our own halftime show in the locker room. We’ve already got Mahomes learning the steel guitar. I might even sing. You don’t want to hear that, trust me, but America will.”

The Stakes Couldn’t Be Higher

NFL analysts warn this could spiral into a historic showdown. “The Chiefs are the NFL’s crown jewel,” said sports commentator Skip Bayless. “If Andy Reid pulls them out of the Super Bowl, we’re talking chaos. Millions of fans switching off. Ad revenue gone. Gatorade losing its will to exist.”

Even Vegas oddsmakers are hedging their bets, offering new lines not on the game itself, but on who will perform at halftime. Current odds: Carrie Underwood (+150), Kid Rock (+300), Toby Keith (+400), and Bad Bunny still hanging on at (+500), though slipping fast.

Closing Thoughts

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: Andy Reid has become more than a football coach. He has become a cultural warrior, a defender of tradition, and possibly the only man alive willing to forfeit a Super Bowl over halftime entertainment.

When asked if he was worried about backlash, Reid smiled and calmly replied, “Nope. I’ll be in the locker room eating ribs. Carrie Underwood or bust.”

America now waits with bated breath. Will the NFL cave to Reid’s demands? Will Carrie Underwood descend on Levi’s Stadium like a sequined angel of patriotism? Or will Bad Bunny defy the odds and perform anyway, leaving Kansas City’s Super Bowl dreams smothered in guacamole instead of barbecue sauce?

Stay tuned — because this halftime battle might just become the real Super Bowl.

NOTE: This is SATIRE, It’s Not True.